Warriors & Weasels Blog

Why Men Should Be Flocking To Sex In The City

I was in New York this weekend, and I joined a very small contingent of men who went to see the Sex In The City movie. My wife and I decided to go, because it seems so much more enjoyable to see a New York-based film while in New York – kind of the Woody Allen movie rule.  According to the box office reports, we were not alone.  At over $55 million, Sex In The City topped Indiana Jones in box office receipts, and had the biggest opening for a romantic comedy in history. And according to The Los Angeles Times, the crowd was 85% female, and all males in the audience were either boyfriends, husbands, or gay.

This baffled me a bit, as I must say it was one of the most attractive movie crowds I have ever seen, and if I was a single male looking to meet someone I would have spent the day in the theatre, perhaps cruising the popcorn stand between showings with a pitcher of Cosmos hidden in a thermos.  Think of the odds…  You are one of very few men in a theatre filled with hundreds of women! And much like women attending a wedding, they primed for romance. And why wouldn’t men want to see a movie with beautiful women talking about sex for two hours and fifteen minutes?

Of course, like almost every movie, Sex In The City is filled with fantasy.  A couple examples:

• You could not drink as much as the women do in the film, and still be skinny and coherent.  They drink Cosmopolitans at lunch, start dinner with martinis, and then each consume a bottle of wine with dinner.  Woman that drink this much would not have sex – they would be passed out or spend their off hours in treatment programs.  They would have huge bulbous noses, and be forced to have special clothing tailored for their distended livers.
• The odds are that if you have four friends (men or women) in the city, at least one of them will be absolutely crazy.  These women all have their high maintenance moments, but they are all too consistently rational to be realistic.

In any case, it was a pretty good film.  My advice to single men.  Next Saturday put on a nice suit, go to the early showing of Iron Man (a really terrific movie), catch the late afternoon showing of Sex In The City, and you will probably end up with a date for Saturday night.

The World's Best Blow Job

Over the last 48 hours I have received two really incredible blow jobs, and both took place in public restrooms.

I know what you are thinking.  He's either gone into politics or has gotten together with George Michael to re-launch Wham.  Nope.

Actually, since I spend a considerable amount of time whining about companies and products I don’t like, I feel obligated to occasionally praise really good products.  And this week while traveling I had occasion in two airport restrooms to use the new Dyson hand dryer.  You probably know Dyson from their really clever ads that have propelled them from “who’s Dyson?” into the vacuum industry’s biggest star, and now they are branching out into new ventures.  Although I don’t own a Dyson vacuum, I must say their hand dryer is incredible!

I think all of us have experienced the disappointment of the old-style hand dryers; spending minutes wringing your hands in front of a noisy chrome blow hole that really didn’t dry your hands, but rather left them moist and clammy. 

(A sidenote here…..  Many years ago I was on a very important date with a very attractive woman I wanted to impress.  While washing my hands I was horrified to discover I had leaned into the sink, and now had a huge water stain on my crotch that left the impression I needed to be wearing Depends – never a good image on a first date.  Since there was nobody in the restroom, I kind of “mounted” the hand dryer in an attempt to blow dry the water stain out of my pants.  This shocked the man that walked into the restroom, who probably assumed I did not have a date and had instead chosen to violate the chrome blow hole.  And while the old style hand dryers might not dry your hands, they will help eliminate water stains from linen pants, something I don’t think you could do with the Dyson.  But back to my point….)

Anyway, the Dyson hand dryer is a miracle of practical design.  You insert your hands into it, and high pressure cleansed air blows them dry in seconds.  It works.  It makes sense. It’s hygienic. It’s reasonably quiet. It looks kind of cool.  I love it.  It’s as if Apple designed a hand dryer - except theirs would play music too.

In fact, I want one for my house, but I suspect my wife will not find it quite appropriate for the décor.  (I also want a urinal, but that was nixed too.) 

In any case, next time you see a Dyson hand dryer I suggest you get a blow job.  Wait a minute, you didn’t think this blog entry was about something else, did you?

How (And Why) To Buy Compact Fluorescent Light Bulbs

To celebrate Earth Week, I am going to take a little break from my ranting about airlines, Weasel executives, poor service, bad money management, incarcerated action stars, and all of life’s other annoyances, to talk about something much more positive – CFL light bulbs.

Much to my friends and family’s dismay I am a bit of a fanatic about these wonderful energy efficient light bulbs. (Ah – does the fact that I am fanatical about light bulbs indicate a deeper problem in my life?)  They cut energy consumption by 75%, last five to ten times longer than a traditional light bulb, and are a great example of one of the little things we could all do that would add up to a big thing in the battle against global warming. 

I’ve been buying and experimenting with CFLs for a few years now, and am pleased to report that the quality and variety of available models has increased, and the price has come down.  You can now get dimmable CFLs, 3 Way, floods of every variety, specialty sizes, and with the new cold cathode technologies you can have CFLs that come on instantly, so they don’t have to warm up like older models.  Best of all, though they still cost two to three times more than normal bulbs, over the lifetime of the bulb you will save $35 to $75 PER BULB. And one CFL can result in a decrease of almost a half ton of C02 into the atmosphere!  Count the bulbs in your house – multiply by $50.00 – and the savings can be pretty enormous!  Here are a few shopping hints –

Pick the right color.  Light bulbs put off light of different colors – measured in kelvins.  Most people initially did not like CFLs because they were too white – making every room look like a hospital.  A bulb with a lower kelvin rating – typically around 2700 – provides a warmer light – much more pleasing in most rooms – and more like your standard bulbs.  Bulbs with higher kelvin ratings – 4000 to 5000 – burn very white and bright – which is more appropriate for more industrial and outdoor settings.  A CFL bulb usually comes in two or three kelvin ratings – so make sure you buy the kind of light you like.

Don’t put non-dimmable rated bulbs on dimmers.  Until just a few months ago, dimmable CFLs were very limited in availability and very expensive, and sometimes people would put non-dimmable models on dimmers and damage the bulbs.  Now, there is a wide variety of dimmable CFLs available.  Home Depot carries basic models, and online you can find all kinds of varieties.

Shop around.  While prices have been falling, some retailers are still charging the high prices of a year ago, so look around.  As covered above, Home Depot carries a good selection of the basics, and I even see sales on basic models in Rite Aid, Ace Hardware, and other chain stores at really good prices.  Amazon carries a reasonable selection, and I have done a few great deals on dimmable bulbs on Ebay.  Ikea carries a pretty good selection.  For specialty bulbs and a broad selection of dimmables I particularly like a site called www.1000bulbs.com (and right now until April 29th they are offering 10% off on CFLs to celebrate Earth Week).  www.Bulbs.com also has a good selection – though their prices are a bit high on some models in comparison, but they carry some good quality bulbs and interesting specialty bulbs.  There are definite differences in quality.  The big names in light bulbs like Sylvania and Philips make good CFLs.  I also like brands like Litetronics, TCP, and Microbrite – they cost a little more but are very good quality.  But there are many no-name brands that might be cheap but don’t hold up.

Save your receipt – and dispose of properly.  Many CFLs have a two year warranty, so make sure you save the receipt in case you have to send it back.  And when they do wear out – don’t throw them in the garbage.  CFLs contain a little bit of mercury, so you need to dispose of them properly.  I keep a box in my garage for old batteries and CFLs – and then periodically get rid of them through a sponsored “recycle day”.  Ikea has a recycling program, and 1000bulbs.com sells a “recycling kit” for CFLs and batteries.

Quality, price, and features continue to advance on an almost daily basis.  There is no reason that most of our homes shouldn’t be CFL-equipped.  Do yourself an economic service, and help the earth out a bit by installing a few.

.

Did Ronald Reagan Hate The Sun?

Ronald Reagan is widely heralded for tearing down the Berlin Wall, but did you also know he tore the solar panels off the White House roof?  Hmmm, that’s a part of the Reagan legacy that is seldom discussed.

His often maligned predecessor Jimmy Carter may not go down in history as one of our best Presidents, but Jimmy was way ahead of his time when it came to environmental concerns. In fact, I suspect that in another generation Jimmy Carter may garner much more respect as a visionary when Salt Lake City becomes a coastal city.  During his short administration he upped mileage requirements on autos, and until his efforts were derailed by later administrations, we were well on the way to 50 mpg cars as a standard as opposed to a dream.  He was also a huge proponent of solar power – enacting government programs that thirty years ago spurred a bit of a solar building boom – until it too was destroyed by the Gipper.  But most distressing is the fact that he actually outfitted the White House with solar (even including his inauguration booth), only to have the system ripped out as soon as President Reagan took office.

It is baffling to understand why someone would actually tear out a functioning clean power system.  However, rumor is that Reagan replaced the solar panels with an innovative geothermal system; he drilled a hole directly from the White House basement all the way to hell, and that’s where we got Dick Cheney.  OK – I made that last part up.  Dick Cheney is from Wyoming.   

Would You Like Some Peanuts, Mr. President?

A couple weeks ago I was watching a Presidential news conference (actually, I thought I was watching a Tivo’d episode of Saturday Night Live when I realized – nope, that really is our President) when a reporter asked President Bush about the impact on the economy of four dollar a gallon gasoline.

Our leader was shocked and offended. “Are you predicting gas will go to four dollars a gallon”, he asked the reporter incredulously, as if the man had just asked Bush to comment on the Martian colony that had been established outside of Des Moines.

Today I paid $3.89 per gallon when I filled up my car, as oil approached $110 per barrel, so the prospect of four dollar gas does not seem unrealistic – perhaps even as soon as next week.  And it got me wondering, what planet does our President live on?

I think in this day and age it has become too easy for politicians to lose touch with the plight of their constituents. If I traveled everywhere in my own 747 and fleet of limousines, never picked up a check, and never set foot in a store, I too might be amazed at the little things the rest of us take for granted.  When the elder Bush was President, he went into a store to do some Christmas shopping and marveled to the press about the miracle of “bar code scanners”.  He had never seen such a thing, and thought they were just marvelous!

So here’s my idea.  As a requirement of office, all high-level politicians should be required to do all of the following at least once a year:

• Go through airport security (including undressing in front of the TSCs and getting wanded), and then fly coach on a domestic airline from coast to coast. (Sorry Mr. President – we no longer offer pillows on this airline.)
• Drive a four-year-old Ford Tempo for a week – including filling it and taking it to the car wash.
• Go shopping for a week’s worth of groceries for a family of four – with a budget of $120.
• Visit an inner city emergency room at 1 am and attempt to see a doctor.
• Complete your own tax return.

I suspect that if we forced our politicians to occasionally “live real”, we would soon see all kinds of interesting reforms.

Gilligan - Don't Bogart That Joint!

New York Governor Elliott Spitzer’s big night (perhaps I am behind the economic times a bit – but does a hooker really cost $4500?), and his subsequent resignation overshadowed a far more disturbing news story today.  Sure, I understand that the salacious and somewhat tragic fall of a politician makes for good headlines, but while we were all embroiled in the Guv’s sex life, an American icon was quietly sent off to jail.

Yes, Dawn Wells, or Mary Ann as we all know and love her (by far one of the two most attractive women on Gilligan’s Island), was convicted of DUI in Driggs, Idaho, and narrowly dodged a more serious drug possession charge.  The adorable 69 year-old cast-away was arrested while driving home from a surprise party.  When the officer noticed her driving erratically and pulled her over, reefer smoke apparently poured out of her auto (perhaps she was celebrating with Cheech and Chong?).  Mary Ann gave the very plausible explanation that she had just given a ride to a couple pot smoking hitchhikers and they had dropped joints in her car.  (It’s hard to come up with good lies when you’re toasted.)  The officer searched the car and found a couple more joints and some pretty good bud hidden in a film canister.

To avoid being shipped off to Guantanamo Bay (she now has a fear of islands), Dawn entered into a plea agreement admitting to reckless driving, and she is serving five days in jail, paying a fine, and has been put on probation (which means no more three hour cruises).

You can’t make this stuff up!  Well, you can embellish, but all the above facts are true!

If memory serves me, Gilligan was also a bit of a stoner, and also had run-ins with the law.  Makes you wonder what was really happening on that island.  Perhaps the Professor developed a killer strain of Gilligan Gold?

Mow My Lawn......Please!

Here’s a tired and slightly stupid joke.

A prostitute approaches a man on the street and says “hey handsome, for two hundred bucks I’ll do anything you want”.

“Sounds like a deal”, the man happily replies.  “Paint my house”.

I was reminded of this ancient piece of humor the other day when I was talking to a friend about the immigration issue.  My friend, a staunch east coast conservative, feels very strongly (like much of America), that immigration is one of the biggest problems facing this country.  However, when I really queried my pal about the issues that are impacting him personally, he seemed to have the opposite problem.  He runs a landscaping business, and told me the biggest problem facing his business is his inability to get people to work for him.  “I could really expand, and I can afford to pay pretty well”, he said glumly, “I just can’t find anyone that wants to work”.

Hmmm. I am having a similar issue.  I have all kinds of work to be performed around my house.  Painting, carpentry, gardening, handyman work.  And I am willing to pay top dollar.  However, I can’t find anyone trustworthy to take my money and do the work.  And almost everyone I talk to has the same issue.  We all lament that there is a complete lack of “workmen” out there that don’t mind a little physical labor, and can complete a job dependably. 

(However, from what I see on Craigslist and those funny street corner newspapers, there do seem to be plenty of prostitutes plying their trade).

OK – short of convincing a hooker to clean my gutters and mow my lawn, what are my options?

I try to stay clear of politics as much as possible, and I also freely admit I don’t live in a region that is over run with immigrants – legal or illegal – so I am not completely qualified to comment.  But all too often I see people making enormous issues out of what appear to be non-issues for them personally – and then ignoring the really big problems. 

My friend lives in a community that has absolutely no immigration issues (except for the fact that he could use a few hard working immigrants to expand his business).  He has never lost work or money to an immigrant.  An immigrant has never committed a crime against him. Nobody is building a forty foot fence in his backyard, nor are his local schools being taught in various languages to accommodate immigrant students.  His local healthcare system is not being over run by illegal visitors that cannot pay. Certainly all those conditions do exist in some communities around the country, and I understand their concerns, but not my friend’s.

However, my friend is helping foot the bill for an enormously expensive war that is devastating the country economically and socially, and ruining our standing abroad. He is also paying the price for governmental and corporate corruption that is shaking the foundations or our economic system.  He suffers with the rest of us from an administration that has been too slow to address the potential impending collapse of our environment – and perhaps worldwide devastation as a result. And he is an unwitting citizen of a country with a government that has condoned torture and the removal of basic civil liberties guaranteed by our constitution.

But like much of America he isn’t all that worried about those issues.

We all have to be a little careful of political weasels that pray upon our irrational fears to deflect us from examining the big issues.  Certainly a good immigration policy is good for America – but when I look at the long list of priorities, there are a few that top it.    

Burying Dad

I buried my father last week. It was not the sad and gut-wrenching experience I had sometimes dreaded. Dad was over 90 years old, and had lived almost thirty years past his own wildest expectation of a lifetime, so saying goodbye was much more a celebration of his life. There were no long painful stays in hospitals, or invasive and degrading attempts to keep him artificially alive; he simply decided not to wake up one morning. We sent him away in a manner I think he would have enjoyed; a big Irish wake, lots of music, and friends telling favorite stories.

He was one of the last members of “the greatest generation” – a man that ate, drank, and did almost anything he wanted to do with great delight and optimism. I used to jokingly remark to him about how lucky he was. While I and my middle-aged friends fret about our diets, make pilgrimages to the gym, and take every other measure to assure a long and attractive life; he smoked for over fifty years, and enjoyed prodigious amounts of scotch every evening. His heart rate had not achieved aerobic status since Army basic training in 1944, and he enjoyed a diet that primarily consisted of fat, red meat, and chemical preservatives I cannot pronounce.

At 90 he looked pretty much the same as he did at 60. He danced for as long as he could; enjoyed a marriage that lasted almost 69 years; put five children through college (and they all outlived him); and at his wake friends that had literally known him for over 80 years spoke tearfully of their love for the man.

His formulative early life experiences included an alcoholic father, the Depression, and a world war, so when he emerged into adulthood in the 40’s he particularly relished the new freshness and prosperity America offered. Unlike more current generations that often focus on negativity, a sense of entitlement, and the perceived injustices they face – Dad was an optimist and just felt constant gratitude for the life he felt blessed to receive. Since he had experienced poverty, abuse, and seen many of his friends perish in a real war against tyranny, everything past the age of 30 was an unexpected bonus in his eyes. And in our self-centered and addictive society where we often justify bad behavior based on the bad behavior of our parents – he was a man who broke the mold his father had tried to place him in. I never heard him raise his voice to my mother, and he could not have been a more kind and diligent father to me.

A fiscal conservative, he was actually a liberal when it came to how people should be treated. While he didn’t understand many people’s lifestyles, he was always a “live and let live” kinda’ guy. I appreciate that he was a man of few excuses who took responsibility for his own life. Despite the fact that he never made more that $40,000 a year, he died debt free with a surprisingly large estate, a classic example of “the millionaire next door”.

Living a somewhat cloistered life in the “other world” of Billings, Montana - his life was free of the problems and paranoia that the press, and perhaps life, now place on most of us. He fostered and respected friendships in a way that unfortunately is now out of vogue, and while he was tight with a dollar when it came to donating money, he freely gave of his time and had many charitable legacies to look back upon. He had a smile and manner that would light up a room, and he took great delight in leaving a little love wherever he went.

So it was no surprise, even at his advanced age when he had outlived most of his good friends, when hundreds of people came to say goodbye and celebrate all he had stood for. They smiled, some danced, told funny and charming stories about the man. He was a guy that loved parties – especially parties for him – and I suspect he could have not been more pleased.

Gambling With Your Home

There is a lot of finger-pointing going on in regard to the sub-prime crisis.  Much of the blame is currently centered on the lenders.  There are certainly organizations and business executives that knew better, but chose to capitalize on the situation for obscene short-term profits, which has lead to the problem.  Government and watch-dog organizations certainly should have seen this coming and gotten involved earlier.  Overall, the actions of our corporations and officials range from incompetent to criminal.

But there was something more wide-spread and insidious going on that is not being discussed enough.  Consumers chose to play their homes like “margin bets” – borrowing money they did not have and hoping the market would rise.  And if we don’t confront this practice as wrong, and put into place regulations and consumer education programs we are destined to repeat the mistake.

Americans have always regarded home ownership as a sacred right.  But your home should not be treated as a short-term risky investment.  Inexperienced investors should not be taking huge risks in the stock market with money they don’t have, nor should they be taking those kinds of risks in the real estate market (especially if those risks could mean your family is suddenly homeless). 

Here is how we can avoid these kinds of situations. First of all, this is an area that cries out for more government regulation.  I know that since the Reagan era America has been anti-regulation, but there are certain areas that require intervention for the public good. Secondly, we need to change consumer attitude and teach fiscal responsibility.  People should only buy houses they can afford. That means putting down a reasonable down payment of 15-20%, and locking in a fixed interest rate for 15 or 30 years.  Like the stock market, real estate fluctuates, sometimes wildly over a decade, so you can’t buy a house expecting the value to increase every single year.  If you can’t afford a down payment – save until you can.  If you can’t afford the payment at a fixed rate – buy a less expensive house. Buy a fixer-upper and spend a few years painting and repairing to increase the value as you go. Pretty simple economics – but as a society we need to regard home ownership as a long-term commitment and not a short-term investment.

Unfortunately, we are not a society that embraces the concept of saving and stability.  Instead, we have a sense of fiscal entitlement that causes us to load up on consumer debt and buy past our ability to pay.  And when we can’t make the payments anymore, we blame the people that lent us the money.  We default on our legal obligations because “the house isn’t worth what we paid for it”, not understanding that if we had bought within our means (and had lenders that insisted we act responsibly), structured our debt properly, and stayed in the house for a few years, valuations would have leveled.
Your home is not a short-term investment to be flipped every few years.

Certainly the corporate Weasels that created and managed these “no money down – cheap short-term loan” programs that were destined to fail should be held accountable.  But consumers that signed on the dotted line to borrow money should be too.

And right now our officials should be levying and accepting the blame accordingly, and using this disaster as a training tool to avoid similar situations in the future.  Most people are not good money managers, and they were easily sucked into a situation that proved too good to be true.  We need to educate American society about the basics –

• Don’t buy what you can’t afford.
• Don’t carry any kind of consumer debt – debt is slavery.
• Save six months salary for emergencies.
• Maximize your tax efficient retirement programs.
• Buy the home you can afford (with a good down payment)
• Leave complex investments to experts – save sanely via the proper asset allocation, and for the term that fits your life.

If we all followed these few steps we would not have to worry about Weasel corporations taking advantage of us.

Protecting Your Legacy

Sometimes acting a bit impulsively can really come back to bite you! Case in point. Many years ago I was involved in a silly dispute involving a company car. I had sold my interest in my company – and wanted to keep my car – which I had meticulously maintained since it was new. However, the company wanted it back, and to avoid the pending ridiculous and expensive arguments I finally told my attorney “let them have it”. That night I went for my farewell drive – and did something I had never done – I crawled into the car with muddy shoes, and smoked the biggest, fattest cigar I owned while enjoying my beloved auto one more time. Hit a pothole? No problem – not my car anymore. I know it was a Weasel move on my part – since I had been stringent about not letting anyone smoke in - or otherwise soil my car. By the time I got home the Jaguar reeked of Cohiba. The next morning my attorney called me early, excited to inform me that due to his brilliant negotiations I could now keep the car – which now needed a shampoo and alignment and smelled like a humidor for months! I got what I deserved.

Sure – I know that sometimes it feels good to depart a situation “with your middle finger extended”. And you might even be justified to do so. But after playing it both ways (and making many mistakes along the way) I have found that parting with grace – regardless of the situation surrounding your departure – is always the best idea.

As I have covered earlier in this blog, departing gracefully from a job, with proper notice, is always the best thing to do regardless of how you feel about the job. Every now and then we get employees that leave with no notice – which assures that unless they had some extreme personal emergency - they get no reference. And even if you don’t like your employer, an abrupt departure makes it tough on your co-workers, and leaves a sour taste in their mouths about you. Someday you may very well need a reference, or a job, from the co-worker you left in a lurch.

Departing gracefully should also extend into your personal life. I must admit many regrets over how I handled ending relationships with past friends and lovers. It’s easy to say little and leave, as opposed to really communicating. And if you are the one being left in a relationship, it can be even more important to accept the situation with maturity. Secretly we all want the lover that left us to wake up one day and realize their mistake and wish they were still with us. (And of course we wish by that time that we are with someone more attractive and more successful that adores us.) This may actually be a reality if you handle the situation with grace and elegance, as opposed to screaming, crying, begging, and stalking.

The emotion of a bad moment can taint all the positive time you spent together. I was recently reminded of this fact where families are concerned. Families fight – sometimes to the point that they shouldn’t be together – but splitting amiably with good memories – as opposed to during the heat of an argument – is far preferable.

In stressful situations it’s always good to do a little “personal brand analysis” before behaving too rashly. Are the actions you are inclined to take representative of the legacy you want to leave, or are they simply a reflection of what will ultimately be a short-term emotion?